LOVE LETTER xyz 2/3
TECHNE
Repetition
At the time, I would say it was a matter of life and death to be allowed to keep writing, and dotting away my seemingly idle conundrums, which on paper didn’t become more decipherable. Yet, at least to me, they conveyed a state of embodied mind which only became transparent years later, in both elegant, complex and beautiful ways - by that I mean, in the discovery of what went on inside of myself. By keeping writer and receiver secret, somehow I entered an universal dimension, which took my feelings of love out of the ordinary and subjective life dimension, and turned it into what felt like a philosophy of love, which not only helped me transcend the aspects of this love which contained excruciating levels of pain and conflicts, but also elevated these feelings. I tested the structure over and over, for a long time. Each time a pain took hold of my minuscule i, I dotted myself back into a majuscule I.
Repetition, known to writers and artists alike, isn't just an artistic challenge but an existential one applicable to all human endeavors, including learning discipline or maintaining physical health. Accomplishing mastery in repetition is no mean feat. Whether in prison, parents of young children, or anyone living or working in less-than-ideal conditions, repetitiveness takes its toll. The same applies to works of art meticulously planned for, compositioned, and with seemingly no surprises in the making, were it not for constant movement of the manual, the human, the breath, which is at play.
This is where my explorations of ancient Greek, Roman or ancient Indian thought, like Heraklitus, Marcus Aurelious, or the Sanskrit have helped me to stay present. They guided me to stay present, appreciating the minute variety of each moment. It sounds a little pompous written down like this. It was not, and is still not. But I am also lazy. Why should I invent a plate which has already been thoroughly examined and tested through time by people before me, far back in time? I know my first references appear to be men. Of which they were. It has taken me time to dig out my heroines, here are but a few out of what eventually has turned to be so many who were not available in the public consciousness 30-40 years ago.
It is incomprehensible how they could be left out of history, until quite recently. Among the heroines who inspires and fueles my creative journey are Sapo, Agnes Martin, Eva Hesse, Louise Bourgeois, Phyllida Barlow, women peers who I know personally or through their work today, Simone de Beauvoir, Hannah Arendt, Simone Weil, female models of the X number of portraits, nude or dressed, throughout history, and countless other overlooked mothers and workers in all trades. Uncovering their contributions, highlights the importance of making our own work widely available, ensuring women's victories across different types of borders, miniscule or majuscule, and to make them be recorded alongside men's in history.
Folding & Unfolding
In the core of natural formation and inherent in culture, there appears to be a rhythmic movement resembling that of waves. This is visible in the formation of rocks, of trees, of flowers, of dunes, in the sand, on the beaches. It takes place in the growth of any living being, and as such is not unique. You see it in learning, in innovation and design, and in art. In mathematics there is probably a formula for it and in Japan they invented Origami. It has a deep logic to it, though because of the inherent wildness and basic unpredictability of all that is alive except on large seasonal scales, there is always an element of the unknown.
Unraveling the unknown aspect within repetition, while striving for mastery, resembles an addiction—an inherent compulsion that unfolds in the pursuit of understanding. In and of itself, that which seems to be alive, and uncontrollable, can be an illusion. The apparent diversity often perceived as 'Difference' is, in essence, just another mirage. The delicate balance of true presence, whether in the immediate or the buried layers of our history, and how repetition endeavors to draw attention to it, holds a profound evocative quality for me. And only by allowing for a lot of time and a lot of failures, and by continuously observing the existing i and the developing I, will the if not reasons then at least patterns of folding and unfolding become clearer.
My pursuit of perfection in executing my work is not merely about mastering a technique; rather, it revolves around seeking a harmonious equilibrium, often achieved through unpredictable processes. It is rather a search for a kind of equilibrium, and the requirement of obtaining this through the unpredictable. Perhaps it ought to be about technique. After all, I am an artisan, but it is for the discoveries inherent in the process of learning that I am most intrigued.
Letting the unforeseen appear
There is something beautiful in having only one shape and one type of gesture to perform. There's a near-automatic beauty in drawing with a single gesture, each dot bursting with vibrant, unique life. Which is a kind of reproduction of one moment containing multiple facets. This appears not at a distance, and only in close proximity with the actual materials, ink a d paper, and therefore has a very tender quality to it. As each dot is given a specific place in the overall structure, and in that sense is important for comprehension more than composition, yet also composition, a focus is born. This focus is probably reminiscent of what in meditation practices is called a mantra. It calms the mind, fostering alertness while relieving external and internal noise – thoughts about the past, pending decisions, or other mental clutter that had held me captive for years.
This prior idea of searching for an idea, a decompositional, technical, coloured equilibrium has to contain an element of a ‘something’ I couldn't with all my common senses have thought out on my own, something of the random or unforeseen. This is one of the reasons why I pair down or minimize the rules for a work of art. At what point does this balance break and become uninteresting? To me this is what Haiku poetry and many other disciplines, such as Origami, landscape and architecture, of Japanese origin are about, of which I know ritual and meditation are common denominators. Each discipline appears deceptively simple - yet is really complex and ratherlike the balance of an ecosystem.
Love Letter, to me – I am neither the inventor of love nor letter, and certainly not Braille or the idea of code. This work contains a delicate balance between the concept or idea, which, if unraveled, could evolve into a map. Alongside the sensory expression, it forms a multilayered narrative of human history. Specifically, I reflect on a historical period when our sea vessels became large and robust enough to endure extensive travels across oceans. This era facilitated not only the discovery of foreign lands but, more significantly, of diverse cultures. While the inclination is to present this chronologically, akin to stars in the universe illustrating an almost incomprehensible timeline, the essence of this revelation unfolds in a single moment.
Through doing this, researching and understanding the full scope of absence, I have understood the importance of not only creating our work, but making it widely available to others. If History tells the truth, of the apparent lack of female heroism - which of course is a lack and not a fact - we must now, given the current opportunity in our era, be frank, be noticed, speak out, step up and compensate for the severity of not having a recorded history of women histories, failures, and foremost victories, equal to how we have recorded men’s. At the root of my repetition lies this, if not insane then obviously obsessive neurotic drive, on behalf of not only myself, but on behalf of all women past, present and future, but also, lastly, on behalf of all men present and future.
©️ Camilla Howalt
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>> Detail of LOVE LETTER xyz, 2020 - Graph Paper / Ink - by Camilla Howalt
